Betty Diaries: The dog who stole the lasagna. Not.

It’s been said that it’s not news when a dog bites a man. But here in Park City, when a dog steals lasagna, you’ve got a real story on your hands.

The incident, which was reported to the Park City Police Department, took place around 7:07 p.m. on Nov. 8. The agency was told a neighbor’s dog on Paddington Drive “stole lasagna” from the person’s deck.

Welp, I am the dog and I can assure you that I am no thief.

Besides having a lactose sensitivity, I don’t even like lasagna. Way too many carbs for me. To be honest, I’ve been trying to eat a mostly plant-based diet lately. Some sweet potatoes. Some wild rice here and there. Not a big spinach lover, but I’ll occasionally nibble on a green bean.

But back to Nov. 8. I remember that night specifically. How could I forget? It was election day and a freakin’ beaver moon — the symbol of the collective soul karma, for crying out loud. I was glued to CNN watching the election returns. When I say “glued to CNN,” I mean that I had crawled under a faux fur blanket on the sofa as I tried to block out the results. It turns out CBD isn’t just good for thunderstorms and fireworks. It’s always 4:20 somewhere, am I right?

I know what you’re thinking. It’s true that I like to run around the neighborhood. So sue me. I’m just trying to keep in shape. But I’m not obsessive about it or anything. Just a few light jogs around the block. An occasional dip in Willow Creek. Chase a couple of squirrels around the backyard. I know I’m not going to the Olympics like half the people in this town. Call me a people-pleaser, but it’s a lot of pressure to keep up.

I guess the thing that gets me the most is why this is such a big deal. I mean it was just a Pyrex pan of pasta, as far as I know. It’s not like it was one of those fancy pizza ovens everybody has on their decks around here. Speaking of which, I could really go for a pizza right now. No cheese, but I like those cauliflower crusts they have at Whole Foods. Super crispy. I’m not drooling; you’re drooling.

So, about this alleged “crime.” I know a crazy Lab back east who picked the lock on a Diaper Genie and, well, you don’t want to know the rest of the story. Let’s just say the humans never quite got over that.

It’s not like I haven’t been accused of stuff like this before. I swear to this day I had nothing to do with that pile of lingerie on the bedroom floor. Or that pair of tortoise-shell reading glasses. Anyway, I was a lot younger. There’s not enough hours in the day to defend myself from half the stuff that got blamed on me back then. And it’s not my fault stuff got left lying around. Something was bound to happen to it.

Which brings me to the whole practice of dog-shaming. It is not okay. Oh sure, I know it looks cute on your Instagram to post a picture of your pup with a hot pink Post-it note on his nose. But believe me, there is nothing cute about eating bunny poop. Or coming in from a late night with a candy cane stuck on your rear end. Or peeing on someone’s bowling trophy. It hurts me way more than it hurts you. “Me” being the figurative sense, of course. Not literally me. Because I never had anything to do with any of the above. But I have eyes. I see things.

And boy, do I remember things. The whole idea that dogs forget an event within two minutes? Dream on, human-who-eats-an-entire-sleeve-of-Toll-House-cookie-dough-for-dinner and air-guitars-in-the-shower-to-boy-bands-of-the-’90s. I can’t forget or unhear that. But I can judge. Silently, of course.

Did you know that my sense of smell is 100,000 times stronger than yours? Just keep that in mind next time we’re relaxing on the couch and you just finished eating a bean burrito. And light a match, will ya?

While I’m at it, can we stop saying “Bark City?” Hashtag over it. And that Main Street thing you think we all love? The one where you parade us around in ridiculous costumes? You’re welcome.

Oh dawg, how did I get on this soapbox? I am not like this at all. I don’t have to lift a leg to claim my space. I don’t care what my ears or tail are doing. I am BDE — big dog energy. I mostly go with the flow. Be cool. Just chill. Don’t pay any attention to what they say in the blotter. Do you, and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

I learned that from the cat.