Humans say that dogs have a short-term memory of about two minutes. That may be true. Like that stuffed hedgehog you casually tossed to me while you were sipping your morning coffee? Yeah, I have no idea where I left it. Kinda like you and your reading glasses; am I right?

But I’m one dog who will never be compared to a goldfish. I can actually remember some stuff for much longer than most humans think. Take last Nov. 8, for example. That was the day I was accused of a crime I most definitely did not commit: stealing a pan of lasagna from a deck on Paddington Drive. Remember that? If not, you can look it up in The Park Record police blotter. I suppose I should consider myself lucky to live in a place where pasta theft is considered newsworthy.

I asserted then — and maintain to this day — my innocence. Not only do I have a lactose sensitivity, I don’t even like lasagna. What’s more, my functional medicine veterinarian has had me on an elimination diet for the past year and a half. No dairy, gluten, complex carbs, yada yada yada. The point is, I like to think that in the ensuing months, that so-called crime has been forgiven if not forgotten.

I wish I could say the same for two of my local four-legged friends. I’m talking about Sasha and Mocha — the two Bernese mountain dogs currently called out in a legal complaint as being “menacing, vicious and aggressive.” I can’t just stand by and silently judge. I mean, this is not like that night you were in the hot tub with those neighbors who keep an upside-down pineapple on the front stoop of their McMansion in Jeremy Ranch. If you know, you know.

Listen, I love my humans almost as much as bacon. But dog is my co-pilot. What do you think we are, a pack of wild wolves? Our idea of sticking together is way more evolved than you think.

I know you humans believe that there’s no one we’d rather be with than you. That we see you at your worst and love you anyway. That is partially true. Especially about five minutes before breakfast, lunch, dinner and treats. But the truth is, we’re happiest when we’re with those of our own kind. Nothing personal.

Besides, we all know how it feels to be shamed. It’s times like these that trigger disturbing memories. Like that crazy chocolate Lab I knew back east who picked the lock on a Diaper Genie. Trust me, you don’t want to hear what happened next.

Besides the lasagna, I myself have been blamed for perpetrating countless “crimes” over the years. Yes, I’m the one who got into the Ziploc bag of gummies. But you’re the one who left it underneath your bed. You later claimed they were “vintage” and hardly potent enough to cause any harm. But take it from me. There is nothing funny about tipping over every time you try to stand up.

So yeah, sticking up for Sasha and Mocha is just part of my nature. Do I know them personally? Honestly, I’m not sure. I’d have to get in really close for a sniff. That’s besides the point at the moment. This is bigger than Sasha and Mocha. This is not just #whiteandbrowndogproblems. Or some frivolous feud between billionaires and millionaires. As far as I’m concerned, your money’s no good here.

This story has gone way beyond the confines of our little Bark City bubble. It’s been picked up by news outlets around the world, including The Times and The Wall Street Journal. Believe it or not, dogs have a sense of humor. And it seems that our once-quaint little mountain town has become a joke way funnier than the sight of you dust-busting Chips Ahoy crumbs off the couch in your tighty whities. The humans around here have even begun a campaign to “Free Sasha and Mocha.” Let’s not forget that the movie “Free Willy” was about a 12-year-old boy who helped a whale escape from an amusement park. Dogs have a sense of irony, too.

So is this how we want the world to see us? Is this what we’ve really become? A “ritzy ski town” where ridiculously wealthy humans circle each other, occasionally lifting a leg to claim their territory? I’ve seen more menacing, vicious and aggressive behavior in The Market parking lot than I have from Sasha and Mocha.

Now, I know you love this place as much as the next good boi. But a lot of you think that Park City is going to the dogs. In my humble opinion, it will be the best thing that ever happened to us.